today i dropped off the t-shirt that ex-bf gave me.  my voice teacher lives 2 stops away from ex-bf’s place.  so i went over after my lesson.  in a small show of mercy, fate had it that he wasn’t home.  i passed it off to his roommate. 

—

[so i am dropping your shit off after my voice lesson.  if you’re not there, or there and don’t want to see me, that’s fine.  i’ll leave it in a bag at the door to your building to collect at your convenience.]

[Won’t be there.  Not because I don’t want to see you though.  Sean should be there though.]

[it doesn’t matter whether you do or don’t want to see me.  i don’t want to keep your stuff.  this is the most convenient way for me to give it back.]

it doesn’t matter whether he does or doesn’t want to see me.  i assumed he didn’t given the bit in his email about how i shouldn’t reach out to him.  he should assume i don’t want to see him, probably ever, because of how he ended things.  and most importantly, i don’t care what he wants anymore.  i don’t have to.  he fucking dumped me. by email. 

giving his shirt back wasn’t about what he wanted.  it was about what i wanted.  i wanted it out of my apartment.  i wanted to return it to him, simply and without drama or inconvenience to me.  i wanted this last loose-end tied up.  

—

that fucking t-shirt.  he tried to give it to me very early in our relationship.  we’d been dating for a month or two?  i don’t even think we had talked about not dating other people at that point.  first, he tried to talk me into it.  about how it’s sexy or whatever when girls wear their [whatever]’s clothes.  i think i replied with some not very sweet remark about how that’s girlfriend shit, and i was not his girlfriend.  so he could keep his shirt.  he accidentally [sure] left it at my place, along with his headphones.  he texted me to get the headphones back, and i brought the shirt along for him to pick-up at my job.  luckily, i was called into a fitting when he came by.  so he took the shirt and his headphones without any further weirdness. 

months later, after we were calling each other boyfriend and girlfriend, he somewhat jokingly offered me this shirt again.  and i said yes.  i don’t really know why.  who knows why whims strike us?  i never wore it.  it was just in my apartment.  on the floor, or over the back of a chair or my couch when i felt like it was mean or something to have just tossed it on the floor.  when ex-bf went all howard hughes and wouldn’t return my messages, that fucking shirt taunted me with its presence.  i felt weird about having it.  i wanted to give it back, but i didn’t know how to do that, so i kept it. 

—

 when i left his building, i felt this surge of awesome.

it’s not about what you want ever again.  it’s about what i want, mother fucker. 

oh, the universe.  can’t a girl catch a break? 

the sweet part: i called dan savage’s podcast last week with a comment for a caller who was finding little success with boys that she was sleeping with on the first date.  being that kind of girl myself when the mood strikes, i called to say that she should hold out for what she wants, citing as an example, my relationship with my then-boyfriend.  and they played it this week at the end of the show.  it starts around 45:30, if you want to listen.  it’s linked above. 

the bitter part: sunday evening i received an email from said boyfriend telling me in very dramatic terms that he no longer wanted to date me.  it pretty much came out of nowhere.  we had made plans to hang out monday night literally hours before.  so i’m sure you can sympathize with the nausea i felt hearing my own up-beat, slightly tipsy comments coming out of my headphones this morning on my way to work.  silly past-me going on about how great things are and such. 

it’s almost too perfect.  in a really cruel sort of way. 

nonetheless, i stand by my comments to that girl.  and i intend to follow my own advice.  i, too, plan on holding out for someone who is fun and awesome and wants to date the person i really am, instead of the idea he has of me.  i’m going to continue living my life in a manner that minimizes regret.  i’m going to be self-aware enough to know what i want and what i need, be straight-forward in communicating those needs, treat those in my life with care and respect, be open about my feelings and not feel like i have to change or hide parts of me. 

so things didn’t work out with this guy.  i am disappointed with how it ended.  breaking up over email is fucking harsh.  it’s not that i had visions of a future with this guy, but i was not expecting it to end so abruptly. 

now we’re on to a new chapter in this dating adventure.  probably i’m not going to fall in love with the next guy, or the next guy, or the next, etc.  but that’s okay.  i’m not in a rush to engage in anything serious.  someday, i will.  whether that’s in two years or ten.  i hope that future-me is just as willing to be open to the adventure as present-me.  as dan savage has said many times, “all relationships fail until one doesn’t.”  i am fully confident that some time in the future, when i’m ready for it, someone awesome will not want to let go of the awesomeness that is me.  i do hope that girl finds love.  i hope we all find love.  i hope that when i find love, that i have the wisdom to let myself feel it, rather than ignore it because too much emotion makes me uncomfortable. 

and really, everyone, please don’t dump someone over email.  it is a really hard conversation to have face-to-face.  i totally get it.  i’m not a robot.  i don’t enjoy telling people things that will hurt or upset them, but part of being a good human being is having the hard conversations.  besides when you write someone a break-up email, you have just handed them a document that they can show to literally anyone they want.  and for me, i’d much rather have a painful conversation than leave a paper trail (of sorts).

i know this post is kind of filled with pollyanna-esque thoughts.  of course, i was hurt.  but it’s not the end of the world.  five months is not really all that long.  plus, the way that it ended made it kind of easy to close that door and not be tempted to re-open it.  i am still baffled as to what happened to make him think i was falling too hard for him and thus need to break it off immediately by email.  but my request for further explanation without the altruistic bullshit has been ignored.  i’ll just have to be okay with never knowing.  

“am i really so predictable that if i had a date last night and am running late this morning that you can assume that my date went well?”

“yep.”

sometimes i worry that i am too cold.  that i don’t feel and respond to things like a normal person should.  my first instinct in interactions with other people is a practical response.  i tend to err on the side of logic.  i’m not very romantic.   it’s not that i don’t have feelings.  i am animated and dynamic.  i get excited about awesome things and sad about sad things.  i just worry sometimes that i don’t have the right feelings.  it’s probably a stupid worry. 

i met Monsieur Quatre on okcupid in june, i think.  we had a really great first date.  he was easy to converse with and cute.  two of my favourite things in a boy.  he was another j-name in the cluster of them i dated this spring/summer.  it was apparently a thing. seriously, there was julian, jason, joe, james, and john.  what can i say?  i tend to have cycles like that. 

long story short, we clicked, but i was also dating two other people at the time.  [it’s summer.  what else is a girl supposed to do?]  after a while, things got more intense.  and i thought for a minute that it might get more serious.  not entirely because of M. Quatre.  Monsieur Cinq told me he had gotten a girlfriend and thought we should stop hooking up.  fair enough.  I had initially had hopes for Monsieur Six, but after hanging out a few times and then not hanging out for an extended period because of mutual scheduling conflicts, i realized i didn’t really like him that much.  i was happy with M. Quatre being a boyfriend possibility by default.  remember how i’m not that romantic?  i liked him well enough to not want to start dating new other people when my concurrent prospects had weeded themselves out. 

that is an understatement.  [we’re not robots, dorothy.]  i liked him.  i like him.  i liked him well enough on his own merit to be happy with the possibility of dating him more seriously.  and that possibility existed, probably only in my head, for about a week.  then it all fell apart.  M. Quatre is basically in the midst of a crisis.  he decided that he needs to get his life together and not date anyone right now.  he asked if we could still hang out and be friends if we aren’t dating.  i said yes.  he’s cool, and i thought i would be fine with the situation.  he said he was relieved that i wasn’t angry at him for saying he couldn’t date me.  how could anyone be angry about that?  i can’t be angry at a person who is making a good choice that will hopefully lead to him/her being better off in the long term.  i’m not a saint, but i think the people should make the choices that are best for them.  maybe because i try to make decisions that are in my best interest, even if it isn’t great for someone else…

and here’s the part about how i’m not a robot.  i assumed i’d be fine hanging out as friends.  i mean, why wouldn’t i?  i’m not dominated by my emotions.  but do you know what sucks?  hanging out with a boy you have feelings for and knowing it can’t go anywhere.  kisses on the cheek at the end of a night.  memories of things that are none of your business but were a lot of fun.  it makes a platonic interaction feel like one long rejection.  to me, anyway.  i was, quite frankly, a little shocked by my reaction.  having such a negative reaction to hanging out as friends took me completely by surprise.  i would not have predicted this.  [it worries me that my emotions can surprise me like that.  i shouldn’t expect to be so cold.] 

it’s not like i thought i was in love.  or thought i was going to fall in love.  i didn’t expect my thing with M. Quatre to last forever.  i just thought it might be a thing for awhile.  truthfully, thinking my expectations were reasonable makes it suck more, in my opinion.  because it’s one thing to be a crazy person and sleep with a guy you barely know, decide that he is “the one,” and fall apart when, of course, things don’t work out, but my expectations were pretty reasonable.  i thought that we would date, maybe become exclusive, maybe he’d end up as my boyfriend at some point, and we’d see where things went.  that’s not crazy, is it?  for some reason, i thought that not being the kind of person whose mind immediately goes to visions of true love and marriage on a good first date would somehow save me from disappointment.  in retrospect, that was a stupid thought. 

i had resolved to tell M. Quatre i couldn’t be friends.  i don’t like feeling bad.  and i really don’t need to have the sensation of constant rejection be a regular part of my life.  i already have a problem getting the voice in my brain to shut the fuck up and stop telling me how not good enough i am.  i had resolved to do it in person, mostly because it just seems so cold to do it by phone or email.  and i still like him.  if i didn’t care, i probably would have sent a text.  or just never responded when he contacted me.  but the problem here is that i like him a lot.  i agree that he should sort out all of his problems before trying to add a romantic entanglement to his life.  but i can’t be a friend to him while he does that.  i want more than friendship from him. 

and i am not a robot.  seeing pain, that i was definitely causing, on his face was fucking awful.  i hate being one more shitty thing to have happened to him.  i hate piling this on to all the other things that he’s dealing with.  i hate causing pain.  but not enough to endure pain myself instead.  a friend told me this isn’t selfishness; it is a good amount of self-interest.  this friend is very wise.  so i am going to believe her.  by sheer force of will, if i have to.  truly, i do believe that i should make the choice that is best for me.  and i think you should do the same for yourself, too.

i knew this dating adventure wasn’t going to be all puppies and sunshine.  but i kind of hate how much it’s sucking right now.  i’m not giving up.  obviously.  i’m just kind of sad and disappointed at the moment.  i have faith that that will pass.

and hey, i guess i can worry less about being an unfeeling robot. 

 hillary requested this entry.   i can’t say no to my gat0rz. 

—

i am against the goodnight kiss.  specifically, the goodnight kiss as a first kiss.

i think it’s bullshit.  if you wait to the end of the evening to kiss me, expect it to be a very brief kiss on the lips.  i don’t want to make-out in a subway station.  people pee there.  the lights are blindingly bright fluorescent.  if it’s late, there are rats running around and homeless people in the corners.  gross.

by the time we are in the subway station, my mind is halfway home.  i’ve disengaged.  i’m wondering if i’ll have to wait forever for the train.  [and i guarantee you that if i just miss my train due to some make-outs, i will curse your name.]  i’m calculating how long it will take me to get home, what time that will put me in bed, how many hours of sleep i’ll be able to get, and mentally preparing for the tiredness of tomorrow morning.  

i am not thinking about kissing you.  

kiss me earlier and take me home.  or kiss me earlier and leave me wishing at the end of the night that you had taken me home.  but don’t expect a big production when it’s almost midnight and we’re in the subway.  there is something entirely thrilling about a person not being able to not kiss you.  there is almost nothing thrilling about a person finally working up the nerve to kiss you at the last possible second.  and what’s the point of some big dramatic kiss when i know it’s not going anywhere?  seems like a bit of a waste of a kiss. 

to be fair, i like the goodnight kiss as an end to a good night.  [you get it.] 

despite my lack of posts, i have actually been pretty good at staying active on the dating front.  i believe we are up to m. cinq. 

but the thing is.  i’m not entirely convinced that i want to blog about dating anymore.  i started this blog to give me a reason to date, a place to be accountable.  and to share my experiences with my friends.  yes, i sometimes i need motivation to keep at something which is a low priority for me.  at this point, the dating itself is kind of reason enough to be doing it.  i’m having a good time, which i would not have believed six months ago.  back then, this whole game seemed super stressful and a lot of time and energy invested with very little payout.  perhaps i’ve just been meeting cooler people or perhaps i’ve just stopped stressing so much.  maybe a little of both. 

last week, i hung out with a guy, and it was so much fun that i didn’t realize how late it had gotten.  we said good-bye at the subway, and i walked down the stairs to the L train.  the clock was showing that the next train was in 5 minutes and the one after that was in 25 minutes.  my first thought was, “oh great, the L train is fucked up again.  why is it always so slow?”  i checked my phone.  it was almost midnight.  and that was the reason the trains were running so infrequently.  i’d had no idea.  and it made me smile.  because it’s nice to spend time with a guy when you don’t check your phone for the time or texts or emails or whatever every time he looks away. and maybe your default isn’t to compulsively check your phone.  maybe you have more self-control than i.  but to me, it is a huge positive in your favour if your company is compelling enough that i forget to constantly check my phone. 

anyway, back to the dilemmas.  the first one being my waning interest in documenting this adventure for my amusement [and that of my friends.]  i am getting enough amusement first-hand, i don’t need the recaps.  the second being the fact that my mother recently started a fight over something she read regarding my sister on my twitter.  and that i am pretty sure that the IP address from my hometown that checks this blog and my main one on a near daily basis is also my mother.  and i have a strict policy about her getting to know fuck all about my dating/love/sex life. 

[yes, mom, i am perfectly content letting strangers on the internet read my thoughts about dating, but you i draw the line at.  do with that what you will.  strangers on the internet have never subjected me to their bizarre sex-negative bullshit in which women have no agency and are apparently at the whims of men who will always take advantage of them because, of course, all men want is sex and all women want is LOVE.  because, no duh.  even though that completely discounts variations in individual experiences and desires.  nope.  we all act the same for the same reasons.  especially me.  i mean, if you know me at all, then you know i’m just searching for a man to LOVE me and as for the sex part, i guess we just have to deal with that in order to keep our men happy, am i right, ladies?  but only after that marriage license is signed, witnessed and filed with the courts.] 

so i may officially suspend writing here for the time being.  and of course, i reserve the right to change my mind if i feel like it.  but this is just putting you all on notice that despite all the fun i’m having, you only get to hear about it if you’re among those to whom i tell these things in the real world. 

AND if you see me in the real world, high-five me.  i’ve long wanted to be the kind of girl who [none of your damn business, mom], and recently i was that girl.  so that’s exciting. 

plus, don’t i always deserve high-fives for being so fucking awesome?  i’m pretty sure i do. 

that i what i have been entrenched in for the last minute.  if you know me, which i assume everyone reading this blog does, then you know how much i detest cleaning. 

which is why i am here blogging for a second before i dive back into making my apartment a place in which i can relax and feel useful.  instead of hiding in my living/bedroom, watching movies and ignoring the growing disaster that comprises the rest of my place. 

so yesterday i get this charming message on okcupid from some douche who has named himself TerrificGuy2011.  [i know, right?  total barf.  but we’ll get to that later.]

So, obviously you passed the aesthetics test or shallow men (such as myself) would never contact you, but a buddy of mine was looking over my shoulder and claimed that – without a doubt – your profile looked to have been written by a guy; it’s just too perfect, minus the incompletion. He claimed that any account with so little information is a dead giveaway. I came to your defense, of course, but now we’ve got a $20 bet going as to whether or not you’re real. So I wondered, just between us, am I about to lose $20?

before i post my response, let’s parse this bullshit, shall we?  because i think we have found a guy who can hit all my negative buttons without having to resort to the more common vulgar approaches. 

So, obviously you passed the aesthetics test or shallow men (such as myself) would never contact you,

go fuck yourself, sir.  i don’t know if you think that’s a compliment, but it isn’t.  it makes you sound like a douche [probably more than sound like, yeah?] and it makes me angry that a douche like you approves of me.  unfair?  possibly.  but i think that my general awesomeness is reflected in the caliber of people who want to interact with me.  and so i take it as a personal offense when someone so obviously lacking cool has a positive opinion of me.  it’s the same urge that makes me upset when bros such as yourself come to concerts and kill my fun.  i repeat, go fuck yourself, sir.

but a buddy of mine was looking over my shoulder and claimed that – without a doubt – your profile looked to have been written by a guy; it’s just too perfect, minus the incompletion. He claimed that any account with so little information is a dead giveaway.

again, this was possibly supposed to have been a compliment?  as if telling me that i come across as a guy is superior to coming across as a girl?  this is why i cannot spend time with people who hold such rigid ways of seeing gender.  dear fucking god.  it’s too perfect?  so perfect a girl couldn’t have written it?  double go fuck yourself.   so i like to not give away tons of information.  fucking sue me.  i actually still don’t see how this makes me a guy.  do you know how many profiles i have read in which some sappy motherfucker pours his guts out all over the internet about his search for love.  that bullshit is not a guy/girl thing.  it’s a lame person/person-with-boundaries thing.  and i’ll admit that i have lots of boundaries.  i like things very compartmentalized.  it makes me happy.  a happy girl, in fact.  if you want my entire life story, google-stalk me like a normal person.  why should i make it easier by writing it all out on my okcupid profile? 

I came to your defense, of course,

seriously, go fuck yourself.  i do not need douchebags like you defending me from your douchebag friends.  and what does that even mean?  that you reminded your friend that people’s personalities are not strictly dictated by his outdated concept of gender norms?  somehow i seriously, seriously doubt that. 

but now we’ve got a $20 bet going as to whether or not you’re real. So I wondered, just between us, am I about to lose $20?

and to put the teen comedy cherry on top of this ridiculous message, let’s add a bet to it.  really, guys?  to quote that one teen movie, “am i bet?  am i a fucking bet?”  though truly, the bet was the least upsetting part of this.  am i real?  a real what?  a real girl?  and what does that even mean?  a bio girl?  and what if i weren’t?  please, please, please, fuck off and die.

here is my response:

i think you’re both ridiculous. maybe i am a guy. maybe i used to be a guy. maybe i’m a completely awesome girl. maybe if you had half a brain, it would have occurred to you that even if i did give you a “definitive” answer, there’s no way to prove that i’m telling the truth. i am certainly not going to meet up with you.

and then i blocked him from contacting me again.  the only thing i regret is not implying that he and/or his friend is secretly gay.  bros hate shit like that.  ah well, there’s always the next irritating message some stupid bro. 

alright, once more into the breach, my brothers, or whatever.  this apartment isn’t going to finish cleaning itself.  [how cool would that be, though?]

and if you want to check out my super manly okcupid profile, you can do that here: http://www.okcupid.com/profile/dstar_fashion

leave comments!  right here, svp! 

hey kids!

so it’s been forever.  not going to lie, i kind of abandoned the dating game after my entirely underwhelming first foray into the scene. 

it’s funny because a friend made fun of me for jumping in so whole-heartedly, saying that i was being my typical over-achieving self and instead of just trying out online dating, i was dating everyone.  which to be fair [fair?], was far more descriptive of her behaviour than mine.  i think i was being my typical self.  in that i thought something would be fun, threw myself into it, and then when it wasn’t totally awesome right away, i gave up. 

for real, guys, i’m only an over-achiever on things that come easily to me.  and i’m not so sure that counts as over-achieving.  i can count on one hand the things in my life that did not come easily to me that i persisted in doing. 

nonetheless, having had more free time lately and a wish to give this dating thing another shot, i’ve been back on the old okcupid. this time, in addition to kari’s friend’s algorithm [which we’ve all read and absorbed, yeah?], i employed a technique used by another of kari’s friends.  the basic idea is two-pronged: 1. only contact people who have very recently joined okcupid.  2. don’t bother with a lot of back and forth messaging; if someone seems cool, just ask them out for a drink or coffee or some other short non-committal date.  the reasoning behind this is that it’s important to make contact while people are still new to the site before they get inundated with messages from fucking everyone on okcupid.  the second bit of logic behind this is that there really isn’t a point in messaging a lot before meeting.  people’s real personalities are not very well reflected on the internet.  so if someone seems cool, ask to meet them in real life.  either it will be good or not.  messaging back and forth for 2 weeks or 2 months is only going to build up expectations that will undoubtedly come crashing down when/if you do meet.

so i did that.  a lot.  [once again, i’m kind of lying.  i sent out 5 messages in one evening, one of which ended in a date.  i sent out 2 more tonight.  i like half-assing it.  shoot me.]  one of the things most annoying about this online dating thing is that you have to approach just as many seemingly cool guys before there is a mutual interest and you have to fend off/ignore/be supremely irritated by just as many douches as in the real world.  and to be entirely truthful [because that’s what we do on the internet, right?], while i understand intellectually that i cannot be everyone’s cup of tea, i’m actually a little annoyed that that is true.  i mean, come on guys, i’m super awesome and so much fun.  why wouldn’t you want to date me? 

so the message that ended up with my date with M. Deux was just straight-up asking him out.  he said he liked going to museums, particularly fashion exhibits.  so i asked him if he wanted to go see the new alexander mcqueen retrospective that opened at the met last week.  he did.  so we did. 

i was fantastically late.  rather than being smart and using my smart phone to check the location of the met upon leaving the subway, i very incorrectly thought it was in the 90s.  it’s not; it’s at 82nd.  oops.  by the time i realized this, i was at like 93rd and 5 minutes late.  great first impression. 

M. Deux was very tall, handsome in a comfortable way and British.  the mcqueen exhibit was fucking amazing.  i will probably go back several more times before it closes in july.  it was a good activity for a date since there was plenty to talk about.  but i tend to go to museums alone and spend lots of time in front of each piece.  especially at fashion exhibits.  but it was friday night [super crowded]. and i was on a date.  and fucking exhausted.  i don’t think i was at my most sparkling.  [i had gotten waaaaaaasted thursday night.  eddie’s birthday was the 5th, and it is one of the few nights a year when i plan on getting too drunk.] 

after the museum, we went to a diner near union square.  i had french toast with strawberries on it.  i thought our conversation was easy and enjoyable.  however, when we said good-bye at the train, there was no, “let’s do this again sometime.” or other such pleasantries.  and when i texted him after i got home, there was no response.  so i don’t think i’ll be going out again with M. Deux.  all in all, it was a fun evening.  and quite frankly, any time i get a dose of alexander mcqueen AND breakfast for dinner in the same night, that counts as a win in my book.

so i guess we’re doing this again.  i’m playing against type and not just giving up when things aren’t immediately awesome. 

if you have any good dating stories, email them to me at dstarfashion@gmail.com.  or you can request membership to this group, and then you can post at will.  

and hey, why not comment on this post right here?  please don’t leave comments on my facebook wall.  i fucking hate facebook.  and i specifically set up comments ON my tumblr.  it’s a whole bit of code you have to put into your theme.  plus creating an account with disqus.  don’t make my actions be in vain.  facebook sucks, and i’m the only one who sees comments on my wall anyway.  share your thoughts with the world! 

so this post has been a long while coming.  technically this whole interaction started and mostly occurred before the start of my dating adventures, the rules of which are specified in an earlier post and began at the start of 2011. 

and so this boy we are going to call monsieur zéro.  not because he is less meaningful than any other, more like the zeroth law of thermodynamics.  it’s been a minute since i took AP chemistry, but from my recollection, they made up the big three laws of thermodynamics and then were like, “oh shit!  there’s one that should have come before those three!”  and since there was already an accepted and published and whatnot first law of thermodynamics, the new one was the zeroth law.  if you are interested in reading more about the laws of thermodynamics, you have google.   

back to my story.  which is really so much more important thermal equilibrium and the transitive properties of thermodynamic systems. 

i met m. zéro at an afterparty for a concert i went to.  we had a nice chat.  i thought he was cute.  we went out for coffee a few times in the fall/winter.  i was quite enamoured for a minute.  in retrospect, i wonder if it wasn’t mostly the music.  i really like his band and he writes beautiful songs.  but.  i also had fun when we hung out.  conversation flowed easily and he is the kind of person who remembers things you’ve said.  which i really appreciate.  it’s one thing to misremember or not recall details, but it drives me nuts when people ask you to repeat things that were definitely discussed with some depth previously.  it makes me feel like there is no point interacting with you at all if you are not paying attention.  [i’m really easy to annoy, apparently.] 

truthfully, i was much more interested in m. zéro than he was in me.  obviously.  he appeared to have fun when we saw each other, but didn’t wasn’t as concerned as i about seeing each other again soon. 

but!  this story has a happy ending.  it ends with no awkward conversations.  and him giving me a super classy out.  m. zéro really is a great guy, and i would like to have him in my life as a friend. 

backing up a little.  i went to see his band awhile back.  and he shows up looking like he just rolled out of bed in the 90s and forgot that his band was playing.  and like the rest of the band looks good.  you know, the way you do when you are playing a show.  and i felt immediately disenchanted.  and like such a dick.  because i am totally that girl sometimes.  like, i will fall in love with some aspect of you and then if you change it, i’m like, um…nevermind.  i managed to not make any jokes about it obviously being laundry day.  we chatted for a minute after his band played and i left feeling a little glad that he wasn’t into me.   

later that week, i invited him to come to karaoke with my friend and me.  he told me that it sounded like fun but his girlfriend was sick.  so he needed to stay home with her.  maybe some other time? 

to which i replied that i go to karaoke every week, mostly, and he’s totally welcome whenever.  and that i hoped his girlfriend feels better soon!

i love when people answer questions that i have without making me ask them.  because i had resolved to just ask him whether he was dating anyone the next time we hung out.  there had been a vibe there that i was unsure about and hadn’t felt brave enough to ask previously.  and not only did he just offer up that information without making me come right out and ask for it, i got to be classy about it.  and now i think we can be friends.  which is good.  like i said, he is fun to talk to, and i think friend is the right spot for him in my life. 

i love when situations resolve themselves so perfectly. 

sorry for the lack of dating adventures lately.  i’ve been so busy socially that i haven’t had the time to have much of a presence on my dating sites.  also, there might be a real live boy in the picture.  which i prefer to the internet.  people on the internet just don’t seem real to me.  i’ve had a couple of dates that got cancelled.  and i’m like, meh.  it just doesn’t have that sting of real rejection when some person floating around on the internet cancels a date. 

and anyway this boy that might exist might be cute.  like.  really really cute.  and he might have kissed me.  a little bit.  and i’m definitely game for more of that to happen.

dilemma! 

okay guys, so i went on a second date with m. un.  we went to see green hornet [totally awwwwsome, by the way.] and got dinner afterwards. 

and i had fun.  it’s just i don’t think i want to date m. un.  i like him.  he’s fun.  i would hang out with him in a non-date capacity.  but the thing is, he seems like the kind of guy who is boyfriend-ish.  and i don’t much want a boyfriend. and i feel like i was kind of a dick tonight when he was asking me about upcoming concerts and whatever that i want to go to.  i was super evasive.  and obviously i know what shows i’m going to in the coming weeks.  especially when i have written it down as my favourite thing to do and said that i go to a lot of shows. 

but in thinking about why i was such an evasive jerk, i realized that i kind of like going to concerts alone.  there is something about being alone in a crowd that i enjoy.  and also, i generally enjoy being on my own. 

and also, i think i’m just not that into him.  [oof.  i apologize, the world.]

i do feel like kind of an ass.  because i did have fun.  and m. un is fun person.  i’m just not feeling it.  which is like no one’s fault, yeah?  but it is still problematic.

please leave comments and judgements.  we all knew i was a jerk going into this.

xoxo,

dstar

p.s.  also any advice on how to say, “you’re cool, but i’m not feeling it” without being so much of a jerk would be greatly appreciated. 

My self-summary

i live in williamsburg. i studied fashion design and acting at indiana university, but i’m not really using either of those degrees. i go to a lot of indie shows, though fewer than i’d like. i am on a quest to be more adventurous than i am, meet new people, say whatever comes into my head and follow my whims.

i decided that 2011 is going to be the year of keeping drunken promises. i kind of can’t wait to see what happens. thus far, i’ve made plans to hang with a friend i’ve only spent time with in groups and started online dating. but the year is young! i anticipate hijinks..

What I’m doing with my life

i work for a company that makes costumes for broadway. which means i generally spend my days finding new places to stab myself with pins. just kidding. it’s always the same places.

seriously though, i’ve gotten to work on some pretty cool shows. right now, we’re working on spiderman. i love that i have a job where i get to learn new skills, actually make things, hang out with awesome people all day and pay my bills. i’m pretty much living the dream.

I’m really good at

having a great time. i am like pollyanna with a snarky side.

i am amazing at injuring myself in unexpected and sometimes inexplicable ways.

hyperbole. it’s pretty much my favourite.

loving stupid things without irony. 

The first things people usually notice about me

the turquoise bits of my hair. i had a girl ask me once if it was my real colour. it’s not. i totally wish it were though. that would save me at least 5 minutes every 2 weeks.

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food

i love f. scott fitzgerald and museum books from fashion exhibits. i am especially fond of books about historical undergarments and avant garde designers.

i am a sucker for really awful movies [i have seen and enjoyed all three “high school musical” movies. though perhaps i should have saved that for the most private thing i’m willing to admit…] and gory slasher flicks. zombie movies hold a special place in my heart.

i listen to music almost constantly, and i bet this field isn’t big enough for me to list all the bands i love. current favourites include:
-teen daze
-beach house
-japandroids
-klaxons
-yellow ostrich
-band of horses
-the xx
-bon iver
-robyn
-BRAHMS

i love summer fruits. i just got back from a christmas trip to new zealand, and an unexpected delight was being able to eat summer fruits in season, but in the middle of winter.

The six things I could never do without

my ipod. i literally do not know what to do with myself if i accidentally leave it at work.

live music.

swearing. i am totally hooked on the swearahol. my friend said she’d go to cursanon with me, but i don’t want to stop.

really bad movies.

books. i’ll read just about anything, but i’ve always got a book on me.

my my metrocard. [i saw le tigre play once. kathleen hanna smiled at me. it was pretty much the best.]

I spend a lot of time thinking about

what other people are thinking.

On a typical Friday night I am

taking a disco nap after work so i can be out late.

or i’m in bed early so i can be recharge for saturday night.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit

when i am having a really awful day, it makes me feel better to spit my gum on the sidewalk. i am usually very diligent about not littering. but yeah, once in a rare while, i am just so fed up with the world that being just a little bit destructive makes me feel good.

You should message me if

you want to hang out. or go to a show. or have an adventure.

not going to lie, i’d much rather chat over a drink or a cup of tea than message back and forth on the internet. i like real life way better than overthinking the composition of the perfect message. besides, i’m so much more fun in person.

—

comments, etc. are always appreciated.

xoxo,

dstar

guess what, guys!  you can send me entries to post here.  i am hoping, perhaps in vain, that this can be a bit of a community effort to regale the internet with stories of our interesting dating lives.  because my friends are fascinating and dynamic people with great stories to tell.  [yeah, that includes you.]  you can either email me at dstar_fashion@gmail.com for an invitation to join this blog and post whenever you want OR you can email me entries that you want me to post.  either way is totally cool with me.  just tell me your stories!

my friend ashley sent this post to me. 

A few weeks into my foray into Internet dating, Match.com brought me Eric, a Ph.D. student in chemistry who played the mandolin in a Decemberists cover band. Eric was idealistic—deeply religious with black plastic glasses and a penchant for semicolons. After numerous letters containing our thoughts on science, spirituality, and our favorite bands, we spoke on the phone a few times before agreeing to meet.

There’s nothing like anticipating a first date—I was jittery and hopeful, awash in possibilities. I should say now that you can’t go into these things with heavy expectations. You have to treat the first meeting like a fun outing with a new friend, not like some epic, larger-than-life event. You have to keep your guard up.

Meeting Eric was perfect. Scruffy and quiet, he had an easy laugh, and I was instantly enamored. We planned to go out again, and at the end of our date, I squeezed his hand and told him how nice it was to meet him.

I spent the next day at work floating in a haze of joy and dread. I feared that Eric was someone who had the capacity to eat my soul.

That evening, a five hundred word email arrived in my inbox. Eric the mandolin-playing chemist was giving up dating for Lent.

“I definitely had fun,” he said, “but grad school has been really hard on me this semester, and to tell you the truth, I haven’t been very faithful to my Bible study lately. I need some time to focus, and it seems appropriate since today is the first day of Lent,” he said, before asking if I was willing to just be friends.

His letter was either completely honest, or an attempt to let me down easily. I couldn’t tell which.

I didn’t know what to do. Sometimes it’s important to be patient, to get to know people better and give them time. Or sometimes you enter the dreaded Buddy Zone. You end up at the person’s wedding a year and a half later, sitting at the single friends table and wondering what went wrong.

I stared at the letter, not knowing what the truth was. But something in my gut told me that this was a situation where I would just get hurt.  I decided that being friends wouldn’t be enough for me. I would always have expectations, a desire for something more.

I ended the relationship curtly, hoping without saying so that Eric would miss my letters and contact me again after Lent. But shortly after the semester (and Lent) ended, his Internet dating profile disappeared.

Eric is no longer in my life, but I hear about him sometimes. We have mutual friends. Just nine months after Lent, he is engaged, with a wedding registry full leopard print pillows with black feather trim and hot pink curling irons in varying widths. Eric is an enigma to me, because he was in my life so briefly. It surprises me that God’s plan for him, of which he spoke so reverently, will involve leopard print bedding and hot pink appliances.

In the meantime, I got back together with an old boyfriend. We’re getting married this summer. He has hipster glasses too, and he is my best friend. It’s easy to be with him, comfortable like my favorite pair of jeans. And he will never give me up for Lent.

here’s to boys who will never give us up for lent.

[email me those entries, guys!  dstar_fashion@gmail.com]

This is the much anticipated formula for increasing the number of responses to OKCupid first contact messages.  Hope it was worth the wait!

-K

these are pretty crazy.  hopefully outside the realm of normal internet dating? 

anyway, there were some requests for this post at work today.  my friend katie originally retweeted it from someone.  so here you go!